.:hurlyburly free solo

But such an indightment might be hasty given the complex mental games revolving around the minds of climbers. In fact there is much more to the role, or should I say management of ego, in soloing or any bold climbing. Everyone has their own individual approach to boldness. In my process of decision making about potentially dangerous ascents (easy or hard), the ego has different uses at different times and an ability to wield it like a tool is crucial. I like to think of my ego as a tool in my hand which is more potent the closer it is held to my head. When in the process of making yes or no decisions at the foot of a climb or committing sections on it, the ego must be held at arms length. It is still there and providing a positive drive, but is not allowed to shout louder than reason, caution, intuition or advice. However, once decisions are made the ego must be plugged back in to form its crucial part of a wall of mental defences against fear and panic. In this way, it might have been lack of ego rather than excess of it which contributed to my Cuillin wobbler? This idea made some sense to me, but the picture still wasn’t clear.

Unfortunately, (or fortunately?) I didn’t have a large pool of soloing experiences on which to look back and indulge my curiosities further. After a bone breaking soloing accident 5 years ago, I promised my wife I would give up soloing in an effort to increase my chances of staying alive for a bit longer. Knowing my own tendency to bend rules into deformed and ugly shapes, I added some clauses to the deal to prevent accusations of going back on my word. Anything less than seven metres off the deck was deemed bouldering (a bit cheeky since I broke my ankle from a six metre fall onto a crash pad!), anything easier than VS didn’t count and any protection on the route, no matter how bad, rendered it ‘not soloing’. The final clause nearly cost me the first ascent of Scotland’s hardest trad route, Holdfast E9 7a, when the single RP zero below the crux at 35 feet pulled through when I bounce-tested it. Fortunately I found a skyhook placement at eight feet and went for the ‘lead’ shortly after.

Despite my rule bending and my renewed interest in soloing, I was determined to keep up my promise to Claire. So I resigned myself to being inspired and intrigued from the sidelines of the unroped ascents of others. I was particularly jealous of Alex Huber’s solo of Brandler Hasse (a 600 metre E5) in the Dolomites. The pictures had my eyes on stalks and, having climbed on the same face before, I pictured myself up there… Time to bend the rules again.

I had just completed an old sport project in an unusual slate cave near Dunkeld. “Hurlyburly” was an obvious candidate for a solo ascent as it’s so steep that it’s about 25 feet off the slope below for most of its length. However, my promise, the route’s difficulty (F8b) and the steep and bouldery slope below it had completely killed off any imaginings in my own mind about a ropeless ascent. Then something unusual (for me at least) happened.

Returning to the climb for some photos, I climbed the crux section again and again and AGAIN until despite my shaking arms and exhausted grunts, I could be sure to pull through every go. During the sleepy bus ride home my mind, as it always does, played back the days moves and inspired the improvement for the next day’s efforts. But for this route there was no next time, I’d already done it, but I was still learning so much about its movements. What a waste of all this understanding!