.:hurlyburly free solo

It suddenly hit me that I had to solo it! Normally I’d decide about something slowly and even then would be constantly questioning myself right up until the last moment. This time I felt totally sure and totally ready. It had simply clicked that this was the right thing to do. I told myself to forget about it because of my promise, but to my surprise, when I showed Claire video of me redpointing the route and told her I knew I could solo it, she thought it was a good idea! We agreed Claire would come and hold my ropes while I redpointed it again and then I would make my mind up about a solo. I had a few days to get worried first.

My mind was immediately drawn back to my little Cuillin incident. If soloing something so easy could feel so wrong that It would cause me to ‘lose it’, what could happen on the 8b? I convinced myself that resolution in my own mind and the agreement from Claire would prop up my confidence to commit myself. Even if I could keep my head together, 8b solo has only been taken on by a few. My own limit grade was 8b+. Was this enough of a comfort zone? All these questions had only one answer, to go and find out.

A few days later I nervously warmed up by climbing the route with one rest. After lowering down, I announced that I’d try and redpoint it again and just make that the goal for the day. Once again Claire surprised me; “Why bother. You know you’re going to do it don’t you. Why bother with the rope, you might as well just finish it now.” One half of me couldn’t believe what my wife was saying to me! To the other half, the words reinforced what I was feeling myself, but was too scared to act upon. I decided such hesitation was unfounded in the face of such a strong instinct from both of us, so I took a deep breath and slid out of my harness.

I stood quietly for a minute or two and emptied my head at the foot of the route. Normally, I’d find this hard to do and my head would be boiling over with worries and noise. All of these just melted away into the quietness of the cave. Claire switched on our little video camera and pointed it at me as I chalked up and swung onto the first pockets. Snatch, snatch… move after move drifted by in a growing feeling of rhythm. Pocket, to pocket, to crimp, to pocket. No stopping to fumble with clips. At an upside down rest at halfway, I recalled staring up and out at the cave lip and feeling it was a long way away. Today it felt so close and I gathered myself once more for the push through the crux section I’d learnt so much about, my education now complete.

I had learnt so much from this piece of steep shadowy slate. I had ignored my own instincts for so long, in favour of flawed reason. Soloing Hurlyburly had helped me free myself from the reigns of my perception of myself, and what I shouldn’t and shouldn’t do. It took an immensely strong emotion and a little push again from Claire, but for a few minutes I was honest with myself and willing to follow my own ideas. It was finally clear to me that on the Cuillin slab, I was breaking my promise to Claire. It was the very situation she predicted would be dangerous. It was also finally clear that promise was not material, but conceptual. It was only my ambition that had put grades and rules to it. Thus, soloing the cave 8b was not breaking it at all. Now, the promise is to myself as well.